The Internal Conflict of the Dumper

By Coach Lee

The no-contact rule is a widely discussed strategy in the aftermath of a breakup, especially for those looking to either re-attract their ex who broke up with them or to move on in a healthy manner.

However, its effectiveness and the internal turmoil it can cause the dumper are not always straightforward.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not working.

Based on observations and experiences from coaching thousands of individuals through breakups, I’d like to share insights into the dumper’s internal conflict when faced with no contact by the one they dumped.

It’s important to note that these observations are most applicable to situations where the relationship was fundamentally good, and the breakup wasn’t handled terribly by the dumpee.

If you handled it terribly, it’s not necessarily the end of the road.

If you handled it terribly, take a look at my post: How To Write A Clean-Slate Message (and When)

Laying the Groundwork with Silence

Initially, the dumper experiences a kind of shock when the expected pursuit from the dumpee ceases after the breakup.

In typical breakups, dumpers anticipate some level of pursuit — texts, calls, perhaps even pleas for reconsideration.

When this doesn’t happen, it creates a pause in their expectation and, paradoxically, prevents them from wanting to distance themselves further.

This halt in pursuit stops them from reinforcing their decision to leave, primarily because the human psyche is wired to push against resistance.

When the resistance (in this case, pursuit) disappears, the urgency to flee diminishes.

Reconsideration in Silence

Without the need to defend their decision constantly, the dumper finds themselves in a quiet space to reconsider their choice.

This doesn’t imply a desire to reverse their decision immediately but opens the door to doubt.

Such reconsideration is crucial because it marks the beginning of internal conflict.

Without the external pressure from the dumpee, the dumper’s reasons for the breakup are no longer constantly validated, leading them to question the permanence of their decision since, after all, if you still wanted them, you’d be chasing and pursuing, right?

Time Becomes an Ally

As time progresses without contact, the dumper starts to realize the implication of the dumpee’s silence.

Questions about the dumpee’s activities, well-being, and even their romantic life start to emerge.

This curiosity stems from the realization that the absence of your pursuit for them doesn’t equate to a lack of interest from others.

The fear of the dumpee moving on becomes a real concern, catalyzing a deeper reflection on their decision to break up.

This also starts your ex feeling the time pressure.

Since you are demonstrating that you are capable of moving on, the dumper knows that any doubt is an alarming reminder that they could have made the wrong decision and that they might not be able to get you back if they wanted to.

Resetting Attraction Dynamics

An unexpected outcome of no contact is the reset of attraction dynamics.

When the dumpee refrains from pursuing, it disrupts the dumper’s perception of their own desirability and control over the situation.

The absence of begging or pleading from the dumpee can lead the dumper to question their own attractiveness and worth, prompting a reassessment of the breakup’s validity.

The Fork in the Road

Eventually, the dumper reaches a critical juncture: the realization that they must make a decision before it’s too late.

This point is fraught with emotion, where the fear of loss becomes tangible.

They might reach out, tentatively testing the waters to gauge the dumpee’s current state or feelings.

This action is not necessarily a declaration of wanting to reconcile but an acknowledgment of their unresolved feelings and the looming possibility of regret.

In conclusion, the no-contact rule can evoke a complex series of internal conflicts in the dumper, ranging from shock and reconsideration to a deep-seated fear of loss.

It’s a strategic silence that speaks volumes, altering the post-breakup dynamic in ways that can lead to self-reflection, doubt, and possibly reconciliation.

However, it’s crucial to approach this strategy with the understanding that outcomes can vary significantly based on the individual circumstances surrounding the breakup.

For those navigating the turbulent waters of a breakup and considering no contact, remember that it’s not just a tactic to win someone back but a means to rediscover your worth and decide what you truly want from a relationship.

You can also book a coaching session with me.

Sincerely,