Your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend has said, “Let’s just be friends.” Should you take them up on their offer of settling for friendship in hopes of getting them back?
With over seventeen years in the relationship industry, working closely with researchers who have Ph.D’s in sexology and bio-medical science, I can say that if you want to be his girlfriend or her boyfriend again, you can’t “just be friends.”
Why Can’t You Be Friends With An Ex If You Want Them Back?
If you want to get your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back, you shouldn’t be friends with them because it gives them the easiest breakup experience possible. They get to feel like they still have you in many ways.
The consequences of their decision to break up with you are greatly diminished from what they should be since you want your ex to miss you and want to get back together with you.
Here’s the deal:
If they break up with you, they need to feel and notice your absence and the disappearance of all the good things you brought to their life. They need to experience separation anxiety and that can’t happen if you are still hanging around them and communicating with them as their friend. If you truly want your ex back, the breakup has to be as real and difficult for them as possible.
Friendship is part of a great romantic relationship, but without romance, friendship by itself is something different.
You’ve likely heard of the so-called “friend zone,” and that if you find yourself in the friend zone, it’s extremely difficult to get the other person to see you as a romantic option. We rarely, if ever, feel sexually attracted to our friends. In many ways, a friend doesn’t even seem to have sexuality. They are like a brother or sister.
Why does this matter?
Do you want your ex to see you as a sibling? Not if you want to have a chance of getting back together with them. You need for them to feel desire, attraction, and infatuation for you. They can’t do that if you allow yourself to be seen as a gender-neutral, nonsexual, platonic friend. That would be suicide to your efforts at reconciliation.
The Difference Between Being A Friend And Being Friendly To Your Ex
While you should not agree to be friends with your ex, I’m not suggesting you be a cold, rude, unfriendly jerk either. Why would anyone want to come back to that?
If you see your ex out somewhere or in class, you look stronger and more attractive by being friendly. Smile, ask how they are. Tell them you are doing great. Don’t give off the impression that you are struggling with the breakup.
Be polite and kind to everyone including your ex. It certainly doesn’t mean that you sit with them or invite them to lunch (absolutely do not invite them to do anything with you right now).
In fact, after you ask about them how they are doing and tell them briefly how great you are doing, politely tell them that it was good to see them but you’ve got to run. Keep it short and sweet.
What Do I Say If My Ex Asks If We Can Be Friends?
If/when your ex asks if you can just be friends, say something similar to, “Thank you but I don’t want to just be friends. If you change your mind and want to be together again, let me know. Take care of yourself.” Then do not contact or reach out to them until they reach out to you. See this article about why you should not contact your ex if you want to get them back: The No Contact Rule To Get Your Ex Back
If you have already agreed to be friends with your ex, text them and say something like, “Hey, I’ve thought about it and I’m not interested in just being friends. I want to be your boy/girlfriend. If you change your mind, let me know. Take care of yourself.” And then stop all contact with them.
If you want your ex to miss you and to come back to you, you can’t be his/her friend. Turn the tables on them and reject their offer to be friends. You are worth more than that so don’t take a lesser offer!
To get my help with your specific situation and a tailored map to getting your ex back, schedule a coaching session with me.